“My wife wants me to go to therapy.” Maybe she said it in the middle of a fight. Maybe your husband brought it up quietly after the kids went to bed. Maybe your partner has been saying it for months, and this time you could tell from their face that they’d thought about how to ask.
Whatever the conversation sounded like, you can be annoyed that they brought it up and still wonder if they’ve noticed something you’ve been trying to explain away. I’d give both reactions a little room.
Why “You Should Go to Therapy” Can Land So Hard
“You should go to therapy” can be a clumsy way of saying “I’m worried about you.” In a fight, it can also be a way of saying “I think this is all your fault.” The words are the same. You probably have a pretty good sense of which conversation you were having.
Even if your partner asked kindly, it can sting. It’s one thing to know you’ve been short with people lately. It’s another to hear that the person who lives with you has started bracing for it.
What Has Your Partner Been Noticing?
If you can ask when things are calm, I’d start with “What have you noticed that made you bring it up?”
They might tell you that you seem miserable on Sunday nights, or that they’ve stopped asking if you want to go out because you usually say no. They may tell you they miss talking to you. Give them a chance to finish. Then ask yourself which parts sound familiar to you.
If their answer is mostly about how the two of you have been getting along, that’s worth hearing, too. Sometimes a request for individual therapy starts with a problem both people have been living with.
What If You Doubt Therapy Would Help?
Maybe you already know what’s wrong. Your job is wearing you out, your father is sick, or you’ve been angry about something for so long you barely remember what it felt like before. It’s fair to wonder what talking to a stranger would do about any of that. If you’ve had therapy that felt like an expensive recap of your week, I can see why you’d be reluctant to try again.
I’d want to know what felt missing last time. I’d also want to know what you’d like to be different. Say you spend the whole drive home telling yourself you’re going to be patient, and then you snap at the first person who asks you a question. We can slow that down and look at what’s happening between the car and the kitchen. There may be something you can do differently once you understand what’s going on in those few minutes.
When the Request Becomes Another Version of the Same Fight
One of you says, “We need to talk.” The other hears that and thinks, “I know how this is going to go.” So they get quiet. The quiet worries the person who wanted to talk, and they bring it up again, this time a little louder. By then, both of you are having the conversation you were afraid you’d have.
Couples therapists call this a pursue-withdraw pattern. One person is trying to get a response. The other may be trying to keep things from getting worse. It makes sense from either side, and both people usually end up feeling alone in it.
When “you should go to therapy” has become part of that exchange, I’d be curious about what each of you wishes the other understood.
Individual Therapy or Couples Counseling?
Ask your partner which they had in mind and why. Then think about what you’d want help with.
If you’ve been losing sleep, feeling unlike yourself, or snapping at people you care about, you may want some time to talk about that on your own. If you’re both tired of how quickly a small disagreement becomes a fight, I’d want to hear from both of you and see what happens when you try to talk it through together.
Sometimes both kinds of therapy make sense. We can talk through where you’d prefer to start.
What I’d Ask You in a First Session
You can sit down and say, “My partner wants me to go to therapy, so here I am.” I’d probably ask what you said when they brought it up and what you were thinking that you didn’t say.
I’ll want to hear your version, including where it differs from your partner’s. We can take some time to figure out whether there’s anything you’d like to work on. Sometimes that turns out to be something you’d been wanting to talk about for a while.
Should I Go to Therapy?
If you’re still asking yourself that, try thinking about what you’d bring up if you had twenty minutes with a therapist. It might be what your partner has been worried about. It might be that you’re tired of being the last one awake at night with your mind still going.
I offer a free 20-minute consult. You can tell me a little about what brought you here, ask me whatever you’d like, and see how it feels to talk with me. I see individuals and couples in person in Bethesda, MD, and online in 42 states and DC.
